We often speak of identity as though it were a single, unified thing. In reality, as psychiatrist Eric Berne revealed through his influential work on Transactional Analysis, each of us carries within us not one voice, but three: the Child, the Parent, and the Adult. Understanding these ego states – and choosing which one guides our decisions – is the foundation of genuine personal growth.

The Child ego formed first. It holds our earliest emotional memories, our instinctive reactions, and our primal needs. When we feel spontaneous joy or creative wonder, the Child is present. But the Child also carries our wounds – the fears and insecurities that took root before we could understand them.

When the Child dominates our decision-making, we react rather than respond. We make choices based on old fears, seeking comfort over growth, or lashing out from pain we never processed.

The Parent ego is the internalised voice of authority figures from our upbringing. It speaks in rules and expectations: “You should.” “You must.” “That is not acceptable.”

The Parent provides structure and moral guidance, but it can also be a prison. When we decide solely from this ego state, we follow scripts written by others. We pursue goals we never chose and measure ourselves against standards we never examined. Our decisions are not truly ours – they are inherited.

The Adult ego is different. It is not inherited or absorbed – it must be developed through conscious effort. The Adult observes reality as it is, weighs options, and makes decisions based on present information rather than old programming.

This is where identity is forged. The Adult can ask: “Is this belief actually true, or was I simply taught it?” It can acknowledge the Child’s feelings without being overwhelmed, hear the Parent’s voice without being controlled, and then choose a response deliberately.

No one else can grow your Adult ego for you. The work of building a self-determined identity belongs to each of us alone.

Every decision – large or small – is an opportunity to strengthen the Adult. It means noticing when we are reacting from the Child’s fear or the Parent’s rigid script, and consciously choosing a more reasoned path. It means accepting that we are not merely the sum of what happened to us, but the product of what we decide to do about it.

The Child and the Parent will always be with us. But the Adult – the part capable of true choice – is what we must nurture if we wish to live deliberately. That responsibility cannot be delegated. It can only be embraced, one decision at a time.

Have you ever thought about what you could have achieved in life if only you had someone to tell you that you can do it?

Imagine a world where every time you faced a challenge, there was someone by your side, cheering you on, telling you that you have what it takes to succeed. How different would your life be? Encouragement is a simple yet incredibly powerful tool that can transform our lives. It can be the difference between giving up and pushing through, between failure and success.

Think back to a time when you doubted yourself. Maybe it was a job you didn’t apply for, a business idea you didn’t pursue, a personal goal you abandoned or simple your daily intentions to exercise or make healthier food choices. What if, in those moments of doubt, someone had told you, “You can do it”? How might your life be different today? Reflecting on these missed opportunities can be a powerful exercise in understanding the impact of encouragement.

The Role of a Support System: Having a support system in place, specifically designed to your needs, can make a world of difference. Having someone who believes in you even when you don’t believe in yourself, being there to provide the motivation and confidence you need to take risks and chase your dreams, can change your life. So, the next time you find yourself doubting your abilities, remember this:

You can do it! Surround yourself with people who lift you up, and embrace the courage to make your dreams come true. Your potential is limitless, and with the right encouragement, there’s no telling what you can achieve.